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Celtic Orgy!

The following is an excerpt from the Mabignoginogi, an ancient book of Welsh tales that dates back until at least last Wednesday:

The Tale of Gwrgenau and
How He Won Erdudfyl As His Bride

Part 1 of 57

When Gwrgenau bethought himself to take a bride, he went to his father, Cynddelw ap Deheuwynt, and said that he would go a-wooing, but knew not how. Whereupon his father smote him soundly upon the back of the head and said, "Fie, thou art a panty-girdled buffoon! What woman would have thee, seeing as thou art a scrawny gawkish lad of thirty-five who still liveth with his parents? Hie thee to thy cousin Tyrell, who representeth the financial interests of several young women, and negotiate with him for the virtue of one of them." Thus saying, Cynddelw gave his son a clean shirt, a wide-brimmed hat to shade him, and a box upon the ears, and sent him upon his way.

As he passed through the woods of Pen-w-Cyllyn which stood between his home and the town where Tyrell lived, he came upon a buxom, clean-limbed lass, who, as he walked by, tore off her blouse and told him he might have his way with her, if he wished. Gwrgenau, not taking her meaning, told her that his way was westward to find him a bride; but seeing her ample bosom thus exposed, gave her his clean shirt, that she might be better protected from the harsh sun. To thank him, she bestowed a mighty box upon his ears, and bade him continue upon his way, enthusiastically interspersing amongst her speech many interesting words which he had not heard before.

At length, he came to his destination, and after asking quite a number of strangers where he might find his cousin Tyrell, found him leaning casually against a long horse-drawn cart in a dark alley. After Gwrgenau explained his situation, Tyrell asked how much money he had upon him, whereupon Gwrgenau, thinking he inquired about his means to support her, replied that he had none, but that his father had a number of French woodcuts which must be quite valuable, as he was never allowed to see nor touch them. At this, Tyrell called him a knave and worse, uttering some of the same strange words which the woman in the forest had used; and, giving him a smart box upon the ears, sent him away, but not before relieving Gwrgenau of his wide-brimmed hat, which Tyrell said would look better upon his own head than upon the country lad's.

La la la!

However, a young street urchin named Ednowain heard what transpired, and approaching the forlorn bumpkin, allowed that he knew of a young woman named Erdudfyl who might take pity upon Gwrgenau's plight. When Gwrgenau asked what sort of maiden she was, Ednowain snickered inappropriately, but revealed that she was the daughter of a servant to the Chieftain of the Hill-Dwarfs. Gwrgenau was saddened, for he knew she was too high-born for the likes of him, but Ednowain assured him that she was hindered by her freakish stature, standing nearly as tall as Gwrgenau himself, and by the utter lack of hair upon her chin, which the other Dwarfs found repulsive and hideous.

His heart quickening at this happy news, he urged the urchin to lead him to her forthwith. The boy demurred, however, saying that while he, not yet being full-grown, might move amongst the Dwarfs unmolested, Gwrgenau's height would prove a difficulty; for the Dwarfs made much hurtful mockery of those who had to stoop in order to traverse their network of caves and tunnels. Gwrgenau, heedless of the urchin's warnings, insisted that he be taken to Erdudfyl immediately.

Off they set for the hills outside of the town, and when they arrived, they discovered a small cottage inhabited by a young crone, who warned them that the entrance to the Hill-Dwarfs' caves was guarded by a fierce dragon, and gave them each a small gift to help them in their quest. Unto Ednowain she gave a poultice which would stop his feet from smelling and his nose from running, and restore to them their proper functions. Unto Gwrgenau she gave a magical sewing needle, which resisted all attempts to thread it no matter how much one squinted or stuck out one's tongue. (Ha, fooled thee, for thou didst think I would say that she gave unto him a box upon the ears, didst thou not?) And with that, she sent them upon their way, comforting them with dire warnings about the dragon's unmatched prowess and lengthy confirmed-kill record.

They surpassed many obstacles and endured many hardships, the telling of which falls outside this tale, and it soon came to pass that they rounded an outcropping of rock and found themselves face-to-face with the firedrake, whereupon Ednowain promptly passed both water and out.

To Be Continued . . .

The Quarter - Our Friends Tell Us We're Funny!